I overheard something yesterday. It stopped me in my tracks and threw me off of everything. I couldn’t concentrate and then I didn’t know if I even heard it correctly. It was just the trail end, anyway.
If it’s not true, then okay… that would make sense.
And if it is true, my literal nightmares were right and I don’t know what to think about anything at all.
I saw you yesterday and for careful reasons I was short with you. For your own sake and I guess mine. When I went to bed that night I had another dream about you. But this time it was different. You told me why things happened the way they did and I understood you. I was still sad but I got it. I hope it continues to seep into my mind while I’m conscious.
The longer I go without talking to you, the more I think about you. What kind of bullshit is that? In all aspects of my life, I should be free of that. What scares me is knowing that I will live with this forever. Maybe I just need to move far away and not care or hear about what’s going on in Tucson ever and start a fresh new life without the constant reminders all around me.
Or maybe we can just talk. I was fine with that. I felt like I was in control. And I think you knew that and had to take it back.
I don’t know why my brain turns to shit while I’m sleeping. Thinking of the most heart-wrenching things that could happen. Why does my head insist on hurting me even when I’m not awake. The only time I could slip away into peace and my head won’t ever stay quiet.
Even in my dreams, you’re not with me, and it makes me feel like dying. But, you’re always happy. That makes me understand.
“You tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.”—“For Women Who Are Difficult to Love,” Warsan Shire (via therosethieves)
Finding out someone you care a lot for, be it a friend, doesn’t care nearly as much, is hurtful. How have I not known about such a major conflict in our relationship? It’s been going on for so long and I had no idea of the image I was to someone I’ve never met. Honesty is important, not only to the one you would assume, but to the other. I will take this as a lesson. And I will try to be strong. For another friendship has slipped out of my hands, once again. This one is fucking hard.