I don’t know why my brain turns to shit while I’m sleeping. Thinking of the most heart-wrenching things that could happen. Why does my head insist on hurting me even when I’m not awake. The only time I could slip away into peace and my head won’t ever stay quiet.
Even in my dreams, you’re not with me, and it makes me feel like dying. But, you’re always happy. That makes me understand.
“You tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.”—“For Women Who Are Difficult to Love,” Warsan Shire (via therosethieves)
Finding out someone you care a lot for, be it a friend, doesn’t care nearly as much, is hurtful. How have I not known about such a major conflict in our relationship? It’s been going on for so long and I had no idea of the image I was to someone I’ve never met. Honesty is important, not only to the one you would assume, but to the other. I will take this as a lesson. And I will try to be strong. For another friendship has slipped out of my hands, once again. This one is fucking hard.
In 1995 I met my best friend, my companion, my guardian, and my only source of unconditional, nonjudgmental form of love: Orange.
I was 7 years old when she was born. My aunt’s cat gave birth and when I went to see the new litter of kittens, 5 in total, she came right up to me. A tiny little long haired orange Tabby. An instantaneous bond occured and I knew she had come home with us. My parents gave me the honor of choosing her name and Orange it would be. My mom fell in love with the runt of the litter, a Calico she named Kelly.
Kelly was small, thin, and quiet. But Orange was tough. She was the dominant cat. A protector. 16 pounds at her heaviest. Strong, big, beautiful and loud. She was a little lioness.
That was almost 17 years ago.
In February of 2012 I noticed Orange had lost a significant amount of weight and was eating less. We took her to the Vet and she had surgery on a bad tooth. After the surgery she was still losing weight. So much in fact that it was scary - she was only skin and bones. Again, on April 25, 2012 we took her in to the doctor. She weighed about 5 lbs and the doctor noticed a lump on her chin. We had an x-ray done and though it was unknown as to what the mass was, it was certain that this was the cause to her sickness and necessary that either A) it be removed and tested or B) we make her as comfortable as possible before she be put down.
My heart sank. Option B was not acceptable. My family and I decided we needed to try. She immediately had surgery and had to stay over night. I felt anxious. Something wasn’t right. I wanted her home. We got a call saying the surgery went fine and that they’d have the results in 5 to 7 days; which was entirely too long.
She came home the next day and I couldn’t wait to get off work to see how she was doing, but what I came home to was nothing expected. She was lying on the floor in my bedroom, looking weak and clearly in agony. In denial and hopeful she was exhausted only from the pain meds, I had the next day and a half off and tended to her constantly. Nothing was getting better, things only seemed to get worse. She could hardly walk, needed help to eat and to use the bathroom. Seeing my healthy and powerful cat in such a delicate state was heartbreaking and on April 28th, I knew that I was being selfish to keep her here.
She was too fragile to move and since she seemed most comfortable on my floor, I slept on the carpet with her. In the morning we made an appointment for a service to come to our home and euthanize her in the place where she felt at ease. This decision was extremely hard but we knew it was the humane thing to do. Whether or not the results would come back malignant was something I’d have to live with (still waiting to hear what killed her). It was time and I couldn’t let my best friend suffer any longer.
In her last few days, an animal that displayed greater love than any other being I’ve known, no longer would purr. The end was painful and tragic. She deserved better than that.
Approximately 4:00 pm, the nurse asked if I was ready.
Your pets are not disposable. They are not replaceable.
I went to sleep last night without her next to me. When I got ready for work today, she wasn’t there to follow me from room to room. Today I came home and for the first time I wasn’t greeted by my favorite thing in this world. We were inseparable and it’s weird that it won’t be like that anymore. It’s going to be so lonely without her. I’m thankful and feel fortunate she was in my life. I already miss her so much.
The past few days have been filled with anxiety. I believe it started over feeling rejected. Shitty emotion. Being single was fun for a while but now I’m not sure. People play so many games and seem to be losing interest once things go on to a certain point. The point changes, but they’re all short in time. Fickle. Without warning and without an explanation, I’m here by myself to create the reason why. It becomes an obsession of wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Which is stupid. And I know it is.
But now these thoughts are seeping into my dreams. The past two nights have been miserable; and it’s not like anyone gives a shit about that. I wouldn’t either but ugh. Waking up and continuing the day with a weight on my chest.